越来越觉得自己的生活真的很没劲，行尸走肉一般。拿着微薄的PhD工资，勉强支付越来越贵的房租，开着破车，没有毕业的欲望，没有科研的动力。诸如我这样的懒学生，碰上nice的老板，也许就是这样的结果吧。回想起刚来美国的时候对PhD, 对工作，甚至对绿卡和家庭各种各样的规划，那个时候的我，现在我对他感到那么陌生，好像那是另外的一个人，一个我眼里的怪人，完全跟我无关。我现在似乎并不在乎什么时候能够毕业，也不是很在乎找到什么工作，更加不会去打听各个公司的工资等等。反正一人温饱，全家不愁，想想倒是还蛮爽的，所以对组建家庭更加没兴趣。不知道什么时候开始产生的这种心态，也许就因为我发现憧憬了很久的美国不过是个烂地方，所以就失去了一切一切的动力。不过以后回国要找份工作糊口，总还是要学点什么的吧，所以我也不知道自己怎么就没动力了。而且问题是，我这么讨厌这里，我就更应该拼命的努力，早点毕业，逃离这个鬼地方。可是现在的我，似乎什么都引不起我的注意力，很多事情脑子里想着要做，真正要做的时候就打了很多折扣。我觉得我越来越自闭，不喜欢一堆人吵吵嚷嚷的，只跟固定的几个人来往，因为那样我的心情比较平静，我喜欢这种平静的感觉。我现在找不到短期的目标，长期的目标对我来说又太过遥远，已经过了憧憬的年龄，感觉不管什么不过就是那么回事，以前进入人生一个新阶段的新鲜感已经全然不存在。

 

我很控制自己对美国的不屑，不过这种感觉还是会不自觉地蹦到我的脑子里。有些时候我甚至觉得美国就是个joke，大部分地方是乡下，就一个城市还搞得巨破无比。 偶尔看到一些在Minneapolis工作的中国人，我甚至会想，在这种地方，赚多少钱又有什么意思呢。国内很多人连杭州，成都那种城市都不愿去，觉得太小，到了美国却是在这么一个啥都没有的地方，跟杭州成都什么的根本不是一个量级的。都说国内的小地方设施不好，可是我觉得我们家小破县城发展的也挺快的。像杭州成都这些城市的设施，是这里能比的么。我更加不理解去农村作教授的人。农村里有什么呢，不过是生活必需品而已，这些我们家县城也很容易买到，而且更新鲜，更适合中国人一些。也许很多人会跟我说三鹿牛奶的事，但是我觉得这种事情就跟35W塌了没什么区别，遇上了只能算倒霉。中国随便一个城市就那么多架起来的高速，我还真没听说过哪儿塌了的。我并没有offend那些人的意思，而且我也知道现实中的事情不是一就是一，二就是二的。对很多人来说，我的想法也许跟钻牛角尖没啥区别。不过来了美国之后，确实增加了我对我们家县城的热爱，因为这个没有任何点缀的赤裸裸的地方，让我看到了以前觉得县城里很不堪的地方，实际上也没有什么，在这里都能找到那些县成里让我觉得不爽的东西的影子，而且这里的人不是一样自得其乐的活着。大家都是生活，说到底不过就是衣食住行而已。我们家县城的人的生活状态，跟Minneapolis的美国人的生活状态，其实没有太大的区别。新鲜的东西反正都没有，至于普通的吃穿住，现在大部分人其实都能manage.  我跟很多人说，将来我一定要生活在大城市，即便我买不起房子，就租一辈子房子好了。但是真正到了大城市，我也不知道自己要做什么。也许不过就是高楼林立的感觉，迅速变化的环境，值得window shopping的店铺，才能给我安宁。不过以前觉得自己根本不可能留在那个县城的我，现在如果真的要回去，也许真的也可以安安稳稳的生活。用美国人的话来说，就是I can easily see myself living there, 毕竟那才是我真正生活最久的地方.

 

 

 

Crisis on Wall Street as Lehman Totters,
Merrill Is Sold, AIG Seeks to Raise Cash

NEW YORK -- The American financial system was shaken to its core on Sunday. Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. said it would file for bankruptcy protection, and Merrill Lynch & Co. agreed to be sold to Bank of America Corp.

It was a gut-wrenching weekend for Wall Street, with Lehman Brothers headed toward possible liquidation, Merrill Lynch about to be taken over and AIG facing shareholder wrath. WSJ's Dennis Berman and Matthew Karnitschnig look at what's ahead.

The U.S. government, which bailed out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac a week ago and orchestrated the sale of Bear Stearns Cos. to J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. in March, played much tougher with Lehman. It refused to provide a financial backstop to potential buyers. Without such support, Barclays PLC and Bank of America, the two most interested buyers, walked away. Late Sunday night, Lehman said it intends to file for protection under Chapter 11 of the U.S. Bankruptcy Code with the United States Bankruptcy Court for the Southern District of New York.

Lehman said none of the broker-dealer subsidiaries or other subsidiaries of LBHI will be included in the Chapter 11 filing and all of the broker-dealers will continue to operate. Customers of Lehman Brothers, including customers of its wholly owned subsidiary, Neuberger Berman Holdings LLC, may continue to trade or take other actions with respect to their accounts, Lehman said. On Sunday night, Bank of America struck an all-stock deal to buy Merrill Lynch for $29 a share, or $50 billion.

Though it steered clear of a bailout, the Federal Reserve is expected to take new steps to stabilize the broader financial system. These steps, expected to be temporary, would make it easier for banks and securities firms to borrow from the central bank by using a wider range of collateral. Bankers say these financial institutions might need short-term funds as they unwind their many trading positions with Lehman.

The Lehman board authorized the filing of the Chapter 11 petition in order to protect its assets and maximize value, the firm said. In conjunction with the filing, Lehman intends to file a variety of first-day motions that will allow it to continue to manage operations in the ordinary course. Those motions include requests to make wage and salary payments and continue other benefits to its employees.

Lehman said it is exploring the sale of its broker-dealer operations and, as previously announced, is in advanced discussions with a number of potential purchasers to sell its Investment Management Division. Lehman said it intends to pursue those discussions as well as a number of other strategic alternatives. Neuberger Berman LLC and Lehman Brothers Asset Management will continue to conduct business as usual and will not be subject to the bankruptcy case of the parent company, and its portfolio management, research and operating functions remain intact. In addition, fully paid securities of customers of Neuberger Berman are segregated from the assets of Lehman Brothers and aren't subject to the claims of Lehman Brothers Holdings' creditors, Lehman said.

The damage on Wall Street is the latest consequence of a storm that began last year with the sharp decline in American housing prices and losses on loans and other assets tied to home values. Massive capital infusions have failed to stem write-offs and losses, and financial firms are running out of options to escape the damage.

Regulators and others were preparing for a hectic Monday. The New York Stock Exchange prepared contingency plans over the weekend to reassign the approximately 200 blue-chip stocks that Lehman's specialist unit trades, according to people familiar with the matter. If Lehman is forced into liquidation, the exchange will likely transfer the stocks to one or more of the remaining specialist firms, most likely using the same technology and staff that currently trade the stocks.

Dozens of Wall Street desks have trades with Lehman. As word spread that the Barclays deal was falling apart, worries that the company could be thrown into bankruptcy mounted, and traders labored to get out of those contracts.

At approximately 2:30 p.m., government officials hosted a call, and a trading session was opened to ease fears. One trader said it was agreed that other brokers would pick up contracts that trading desks have with Lehman. If Lehman does open on Monday, the deals struck on Sunday, often at a worse price, would be void. "It is utter chaos here," the trader said.

At many Wall Street firms, traders of credit-default swaps -- contracts that act as insurance against debt defaults -- were told to come to work immediately. Concerned investors were rushing to buy swaps tied to other brokerages and corporations, sending the cost of protection on investment banks such as Goldman Sachs and others sharply higher.

In a statement Sunday, the International Swaps and Derivatives Association, a trade group whose members include many large dealers, said a "netting trading session" took place between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. on Sunday. The idea was to allow firms to try to unwind their derivatives transactions with Lehman by finding other parties to step into Lehman's shoes.

"The purpose of this session is to reduce risk associated with a potential Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. bankruptcy filing," it said. It added that trades conducted during this period "are contingent on a bankruptcy filing on or before 11:59 p.m. New York time" on Sunday. If no filing takes place, the trades will be canceled, ISDA said.

Some traders said it was difficult to find new counterparties for many of their outstanding trades with Lehman. The snags included different terms and maturity dates on derivatives contracts, and market prices changed rapidly Sunday afternoon. "People were screaming at each other over the phone, asking: How can this work?" one trader said.

William Gross, chief investment officer at bond-fund giant Pacific Investment Management Co., said very few Lehman trades were offset. "There's an immediate risk related to the unwind of these positions," he said.

Many Wall Street firms concluded that a liquidation of Lehman's assets likely would proceed in an orderly fashion, people familiar with the situation said. That means other firms could quickly buy real estate, securities and other investments, preventing the assets from flooding the market. Because of that, these people said, some participants in the New York Fed talks decided that liquidation was no worse an option than selling Lehman to a buyer such as Barclays.

"There will be an orderly wind down," said one banker involved in the matter. "This was the default option. It happens when you have no buyer."

The outside firms decided that instead of making guarantees for Barclays or some other purchaser of Lehman, they would prefer to pool their resources and buy the assets themselves, taking on the risks and carrying costs, along with the possibility of profiting down the road.

Those firms would likely then buy assets such as mortgage-backed securities, leveraged loans, private-equity positions and investments in real estate or hedge funds.

Roger Freeman, a nine-year Lehman employee who analyzes brokerage firms, spent the weekend gathering cellphone numbers and email addresses from colleagues who also are likely to lose their jobs. He plans to clean out his desk Monday morning. "We worked long hours here, we've made some of our best friends here. We're suddenly being ripped apart," he said. "It's just unbelievable."